We started trying for a baby in 2011. We were quite realistic in how long it might take, but within two months I had fallen pregnant. I think we were both in shock at how quickly it happened and I constantly worried as I had no symptoms whatsoever. When we had our 12 week scan I was certain there wouldn’t be anything there, but there was and it was so amazing seeing our baby for the first time, and I was certain I was having a boy, call it gut instinct.
We told all our friends and family at this point and started thinking about how we would decorate the nursery and all the gadgets we would have to buy, although I had decided not buy any clothes until our next scan as I wanted to know what we were having.
On the day of our 20 week scan, I was really nervous, I hadn’t felt our baby as much for the last few days, but just put it down to him being so small and to the fact that I’d never felt him loads, just little bubbling sensations every now and then. I knew something was wrong though when the sonographer stayed really quiet. I really wish she hadn’t, it made everything feel so much worse. There I was asking stupid questions like ‘how big was he now?’, ‘what was his heart rate?’, while I was being told to be quiet for a moment and then those awful words… “ I’m so sorry..” I don’t actually remember what else she said; it still hurts too much to even think of that moment. We were then taken to another room, given cups of tea, told what would happen next, where to go etc, it was all a bit of a blur.
On Monday 5th we went to the SPRING suite where we met Gena and I was induced. It was the worst day of my life. I was very ill throughout my labour, constantly being sick, shivering, and a bit loopy towards the end; apparently I had a conversation about flapjacks! And the pain was unbearable, I asked for an epidural in the end, but it wasn’t needed. Minutes after I asked, my waters broke and 10 minutes later I gave birth to my little boy at 01.45am on 6th September.
He was perfect, but so small with perfectly formed tiny ears and long fingers and cute button toes. We called him Bud as that had been his nickname whilst I was pregnant and to be honest that’s what he looked like, he was my little Bud. I will never forget the time I spent with him, it was never going to be enough, but I am thankful for the memories that the lovely midwives helped me create.
We had a post mortem done on Bud and it told us what we already knew, that he was perfect, there had been nothing wrong with him or me, it was just one of those awful things. A few months after losing Bud we fell pregnant again by accident, and sadly lost that baby too at 8 weeks. It was at this point I began to doubt whether we should be actually having children as I felt like such a failure, but we continued trying.
In April I found out I was pregnant again, and we were thrilled, but I still felt awful about everything and very guilty for falling pregnant, like I was betraying my lost boy. We told only our mums and a few close friends, I was determined not to tell anyone till our 20 week scan this time round. At our 12 week scan I lay there crying the whole time, I barely even saw the screens, I was just so relieved that things were fine. And at our 20 week scan I sat silent, I didn’t know how to react so I just waited, and there on the screen was our little girl absolutely perfect.
We continued to have scans every four weeks which were a great reassurance and at our 36 week scan it was decided I would be having a c-section for a low lying placenta.
On the 6th December 2012, Baby Hollie Brienne Wigham was born weighing 6lb 13, she is everything I could have ever wished for, and when she is old enough we’ll tell her all about her angel brother.