BRANDON’S STORY

On Saturday the eighth of July at one fourteen in the afternoon our beautiful baby boy was born. There was not much difference between his birth and any others except that through the twelve hour labour we knew that when he was born the room would be silent, there would be no tears or cries from our sweet newborn, he would not look up into our eyes and he wouldn’t need a nappy or take a feed. You see just some two days before his birth we had found out our gorgeous son had died, and so he was born sleeping three days after his due date. On his due date about half past eight in the evening I was relaxing on the sofa and in the middle of saying how quiet ‘Mr. Bump’ was when he gave me an almighty kick and Rob and I were both reassured. I was very tired that evening so I had a quick bath and watched some television in bed before drifting off to sleep. I couldn’t help but notice that since the kick on the sofa I hadn’t felt anymore but I tried not to worry as so many people had said babies do slow down towards the end so I put it down to that. We just thought Mr. Bump was being quiet because he was getting ready to be born, saving up his energy for the journey ahead.

The following morning Rob got up and went off to work Mr. Bump and I waved him off through the window and decided to go back to sleep! I was woken by the phone ringing it was my brother and his young daughter so I chatted with them. The main conversation of course being any twinges yet and the answer to that was a slightly disappointed NO, only one day overdue and already getting impatient! As I spoke with my niece I sat rubbing my belly not really listening to what she was saying all I could think about was that Mr. Bump still wasn’t moving. In fact as I was on the phone I realised that he hadn’t moved since that half past eight kick the evening before. I finished my call and sat giving Mr. Bump all the encouragement I could, loads of strokes and lots of chat, I was pleading with him for just one little kick, “come on Mr. Bump let mummy know your alright just one kick and then mummy can stop worrying” still nothing. By now I was extremely concerned so I made a deal with Mr. Bump “I’ll give you half an hour and if you still haven’t moved I’ll go to hospital and get checked”. The half an hour turned out to be too long so I cut it down to twenty minutes then ten until I decided five minutes was long enough. So just five minutes after the deal was made I was on the phone to the hospital and I was being asked to go in.

Even though I was so worried I didn’t really know what about I still thought it was just going to be something and nothing, that maybe he was lying in an awkward position where I just couldn’t feel him kick. I rang Rob at work, the first thing I said was don’t worry I’m not in labour! As I knew that would be his first thought. I told him what was happening and he said he would come but I told him not to worry everything would be okay, I was just going to be checked. I REALLY didn’t think there was any need for him to come so we arranged for Phil (Robs Dad) to give me a lift.

When we arrived at the hospital Phil sat in the waiting room with me, he waited there while a midwife took me for electronic monitoring. She told me she wasn’t sure whether the machine was picking up my pulse or the babies’ heartbeat so she would arrange for me to have a scan. Phil was called in to wait with me while a scan room was set up. The midwife came back and took me for my scan, I had told Phil he could wait where he was for me, as even now I strangely still didn’t think I needed to worry, well you see I was full term and nothing goes wrong at this stage surely? As I lay on the bed I was still smiling because I was going to get to see my baby on screen one last time before he/she was born, I was staring intently at the screen still with a little grin on my face when those words were said. My face dropped and tears fell in an instant as the sonographer said, “I’m sorry. . . . Your baby has died”. I remember shooting up from the bed and letting out a horrified wailing “NO!” the room seemed to be spinning around me “can somebody phone my husband please?”. I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid, why did I tell him not come, why did I tell Phil to wait upstairs, why did I go in that room alone and why did I think I had nothing to worry about.

Our baby hadn’t moved in over seventeen hours of course there was something wrong I just hadn’t wanted to admit to myself. Not this though, NOT THIS. I was told I could come back down for another scan when Rob arrived so he could see himself. I was taken back upstairs to wait for Rob, Phil rang him but we felt it best not to say what had happened until he had arrived safely, I didn’t want him to be told something like that over the phone. I didn’t want him to be told something like that at all it shouldn’t be true. I think I was only waiting for about twenty minutes but it felt like hours I was so bewildered, I wanted him there NOW but I knew when he arrived I couldn’t let someone else tell him, I had to do it. I was going to tell my husband the news that would break his heart but as difficult as that was there was no way I could let a stranger do it. When I told him I couldn’t say “dead” even though it was right it just seemed so wrong, such an inappropriate way of speaking about our gorgeous baby. It’s a word that you need to use for old people surely not for full term babies ready to be born.

We held each other so tightly and we cried like we have never cried before when we felt ready we were taken back for another scan. During the pregnancy I was convinced we were having a little boy but it was only now that we found out Mr.Bump really was Mr! We wanted to know so that for my last moments of being pregnant we could actually call him by his proper name:

Brandon James Westlake

I cannot believe how naive we were now, we even asked the doctor who spoke to us if this had ever happened before, it just seemed so unnatural. Fortunately I was at least spared from being induced, just over thirty-six hours after our devastating news I went into labour naturally.

Some twelve hours later our stunning perfect baby boy was born. In our short time together on this earth we were able to form so many sweet memories, we even got to take Brandon home and show him his room and all the things we had bought for him. I am so glad that we have memories of him at home with us and not just in the hospital.

The hardest part of that day was taking him back to the hospital, leaving him in a cot there and going home empty handed. We went to visit him each evening for a few days after and thanks to the S.P.R.I.N.G. suite had somewhere private to be with him. We got lots of photos and bought him a very special, very expensive (!) little outfit. As the days, weeks and months go by we are always so grateful for the moments we shared, and though time goes by our memories won’t ever fade. The day we met our beautiful son will always be just yesterday in our memories. He will live on in our hearts and minds and that way we’ll always be TOGETHER NEVER PARTING.

  Joanna and Robin Westlake 

In loving memory of our beautiful Son,

Brandon James Westlake