MY STORY BY M. GREGORY

On the 19th July 2002 my world fell apart.  After a long struggle to get pregnant, my husband and I were delighted to find out I was expecting twins.  For the first time in my life I felt so happy.

We had, what we had dreamed of for so long.  We had so many plans for them, for all of us as a family.  We told family at Easter time, which seemed so perfect.  My pregnancy went along very smoothly once I got over the morning sickness.  I passed the first twelve weeks and thought I was out of danger.  I felt them kick and move, which was the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

We went for our first scan at eighteen weeks and our babies were doing very well.  We went home that night full of excitement, I couldn’t believe it, we were at last getting our family.  Time went past very quickly, I was getting bigger by the day.  But I didn’t have any problems, just tiredness.

I gave up work at the beginning of July.  I was so excited.  My antenatal appointment made me a little uneasy.  They thought I should have a scan because they thought one twin was a little smaller.  I never made that appointment for my scan.

On Wednesday 17th July I awoke in the morning, went to the toilet, and that’s when I noticed the blood.  I felt numb and sick, I didn’t know what to do or think. I cried, and cried how could I lose my babies now, after all I had been through.  I phoned my husband and told him.  He came straight home. We went to the hospital.  John kept on telling me it would be alright. 

Everyone was very kind and helpful, they took us down for a scan.  I thought they would just say everything was fine, go home and rest.  I couldn’t understand why they were not telling us anything.  The lady looked at me and said, “sorry we have to be sure”.  I didn’t understand what she meant, then she turned to me, I froze, the words she spoke almost went over me.  She told me one of my dear babies had died.  Little did I know this was only the beginning of my nightmare. 

We were taken to the Spring Suite, where we stayed for a few hours.  My labour had started, so they had to transfer me to Dorchester as soon as possible.  Twin two was fine, I found strength from that.

At Dorchester I was very frightened, somewhere I didn’t know.  I didn’t know what was happening to me.  The staff were very nice and kind.  They did tests, and monitored me and my baby the whole time, day and night.

I knew I had a baby inside of me that had died, which was very hard to deal with.  I also knew I had to be strong for my other twin.  I was put on a drip to slow down my labour.  It was very important for me to have two injections to help my baby’s lungs.  I was told that they would do all they could to save my baby.  I knew that when my baby was born, that they would take him straight away, to get him in the special care unit.

I was so glad that John could stay with me, as I don’t think I could have coped on my own.  The first night I never got any sleep as they were always checking my blood pressure, temperature and my heartbeat.  The drip I was on makes your heart pump very fast, which I remember being very uncomfortable.

The following day I seemed to watch my baby’s movements and breathing all day.  I found that I had bonded with him, willing him to stay strong.  My dad commented on how strong and lively he seemed to be.  I found that very reassuring.  Later that day after my second injection they took me off the drip.  They told me we have to now let nature take its course.  I was frightened but at the same time excited.

That evening it all started, just as they said it would.  John helped me all the way.  I will never forget the feeling of being so close to him at such an emotional time.  My first twin was born at 03.06am.  I was so sure he was going to be alright.  I only had to do the hard part now.  My second twin was born at 03.12am.  I felt so emotional I cried.

Minutes later the man from special care who took my baby came back.  He said, “I am sorry, he’s died”.  I couldn’t understand why he was telling me that.  I already knew Robert had died.  I then said, “You mean both of them have died”.  I can not explain how I felt.  I just cried and cried.  I felt so numb and empty.  My whole world turned upside down in seconds.  Everything I ever dreamed of gone.  John tried to comfort me, saying we can try again.  He told me he loved me, and that he didn’t know what he would have done if he lost me too.  He was being so strong for me, but he was hurting as much as I was.

I remember the midwife saying to me, whilst crying herself there are unhappy times to this job too.  I was asked if I wanted to hold my babies.  I couldn’t face it, something I will always regret.  I just couldn’t take it all in, couldn’t believe it was really happening.

The next few hours until morning seemed so long.  I remember phoning home to tell my mum and dad.  I should have been telling them good news.  I couldn’t bring myself to tell them.  My dad answered.  I told him, he said, “I am so sorry”.  I felt I had failed as a mother.  I felt I had taken away my mum’s chance to be a grandmother, John’s chance to be a dad.  I felt so empty.

Soon after the hospital were asking lots of questions I couldn’t answer, like, “Do you want to see your babies? What kind of funeral would you like? Did you want a post-mortem?”  They asked us so many things I did feel pressured.  John and I decided we couldn’t bare the thought of our babies suffering any more, a post-mortem was out of the question.

We left the hospital that afternoon at about 5.00pm.  Leaving the hospital without my babies was the worst thing I have ever done.  The pain was eating away at me the whole way home.  What I remember more than anything was facing the world without my babies.  Trying to come to terms with our loss was the hardest thing of all.

Sixteen months have passed since JOHN AND ROBERT passed away.  Although a day does not pass that we do not wish that they are here with us.  But with every new day, the hurt that was so strong at first gets less and less.  It also helps to know that we can visit them at the Snowdrop Garden, which is a wonderful place to spend time with your babies.

Miracles Come True

By Michelle Gregory

For me, becoming pregnant again was a miracle come true.  After losing John and Robert in July 2002, I very sadly miscarried soon after in December of the same year.  My husband and I were devastated; we truly thought we would never have a baby of our own.  The sadness we both felt was unbearable.  How could we have such bad luck, when so many other couples never seemed to have any problems at all?

Unfortunately our luck wasn’t going to change that quickly.  After scan’s to confirm that I had miscarried, I was told further bad news.  I had a cyst on my right ovary which was eight centimetres in size.  I was told that it would have to be removed, and that because of its size my right ovary might have to be removed completely.  Worse still, if I didn’t have the operation quickly it could cut the blood supply to my left ovary which would mean losing both ovaries.   John and I were so scared; we knew we could lose everything.  We just couldn’t believe that this was happening to us.  I didn’t want the operation, I just wanted them to drain the cyst and give John and I a chance to have our baby.  In March 2003 I had no choice but to have the operation.  I was in pain, and I knew that it had to be done.  I was so scared; I knew that if the worst happened I would never be able to have another baby.

God must have been with John and I that day, because they managed to remove the cyst and leave my ovaries.  I was so happy when I woke up I could have kissed the consultant it I hadn’t felt so ill. 

Time went on, and we were told we could try again.  A few months passed with no luck.  In September 2003 I fell pregnant again.  I was delighted, so excited, we had another chance after all we had been through.  Disaster struck.  A week after finding out I was pregnant I started to bleed again.  My world just fell apart all over again.  I cannot describe the pain John and I felt.  I just cried and cried.  I felt so numb and empty.  I could not believe that it was happening again.  My dreams were once again shattered.  I felt such a failure; I still couldn’t carry my baby.  I thought I would never fulfil my dream and have my family.  John and I decided to have a break, and not to try again until after Christmas.  A new year, a new start we thought to ourselves. 

On December 5^th, I was delighted to find out I was pregnant again.  It was perfect timing, Christmas was just around the corner, and we could tell our families on Christmas Day.  Then the excitement turned to reality.  I came down to earth; so much could still go wrong.  My emotions were all over the place.  I wanted to believe that this was going to work out, but I knew I had had so many problems in the past.

I felt sick, which wasn’t very nice but very reassuring.  I hadn’t felt sick since I was pregnant with John and Robert.  I kept on trying to believe that it would all be okay this time.  It was very hard.  Each day I spent waiting for the first signs of a problem.  Every day that went by was a bonus.  I lived in fear that my baby would leave me again.

On the 5^th January 2004 I had a scan booked for reassurance, but I couldn’t go.  I couldn’t go and be told more bad news.  All I kept telling myself was that if I wasn’t bleeding, my baby was okay.  That was how I got through the next few weeks.

At twelve weeks we went for a scan, although I felt so sick with nerves, I had to go and find out what was happening.  I have never been so frightened in all my life.  When the Sonographer turned to me and said “well, its good news”, I just filled up with emotion.  My baby was alive and doing very well.  A tiny baby, all formed and amazingly healthy.  I just couldn’t believe my eyes.  It was a miracle.  I was so excited, and when I looked at John his face was full of relief, happiness and amazement.  I remember feeling so happy!

Although we knew everything was going well, I still couldn’t relax.  I spent so much time living in fear.  At every twinge, ache or discomfort I panicked.  I had my booking appointment at fourteen weeks with the same Midwife who had looked after me with John and Robert.  I found that really helpful because she knew me and understood why I was so worried.  Hearing my baby’s heartbeat for the first time was really emotional.  I found myself so worried at about fifteen weeks because I started really aching; I was so sure something was wrong.  I called the Antenatal Unit, but unfortunately they were not very helpful and just told me to phone my GP.  It was a Sunday and I knew I would only get a Doctor who didn’t know me.  I was so scared and frightened I thought that my dream was going to end all over again.  I phoned on Monday and got to see my Midwife.  She listened into my baby and said everything was fine.  I remember not being able to hold back my tears, I just cried and cried.  The relief that my baby was okay!  Sarah explained that the aching was probably due to my scar tissue from my cyst operation.  She said that as the baby grew it would probably ache, because everything was being much more stretched.

Time went on, and with weekly visits from Sarah to hear the heartbeat I managed to get through the weeks.  I was so paranoid about every little thing.  What I was eating, what I was doing at work, even silly things like doing the hovering.  I just wanted my baby to be okay.

Once my baby started to kick, it became more real.  I could feel him or her which was reassuring, but at the same time quite sad as it reminded me of the twins.  I started remembering things about John and Robert which was hard to cope with at times.  The eighteen week routine scan was hard.  It was lovely to see my baby again six weeks on, but all I could think about was that John and Robert were also doing very well at this stage.  Nothing seemed to put my mind at rest.  When I went to see our Specialist, after that scan I remember him saying “If you notice any pain or bleeding come straight into the hospital”.  I went home that night feeling quite sad.  I had seen my baby doing so well, but at the same time I wasn’t sure for how long.

Seven long weeks later, I had reached 25 weeks.  I knew it would be hard, but I thought I would cope.  I didn’t and it was the longest week so far.   I was suffering with low blood pressure which made me very tired.  All I kept thinking was that I would lose this baby.  One night during my 25^th week I awoke feeling really sick.  I sat up in bed, but I didn’t want to get out in case I fainted.  The next thing I remembered was John calling me, I had fainted.  I panicked when I realised what had happened.  All I could think was my baby, what has happened to my baby.  I couldn’t really sleep too well after that, I just wanted to get checked over.  Luckily my baby moved quite a lot for a little while, so that was reassuring.  The next morning John and I went up to the hospital to be checked over.  I was so worried they would find something wrong.  My baby was doing really well, but my blood pressure was still quite low.  I was signed off of work for a few weeks to get some rest.  When I was due to return to work I didn’t know what to do; my blood pressure was better but still on the low side.  My Midwife said why don’t I give up work early and take things easy.  I remember phoning Kate Ward at the hospital not knowing what to do.  All I knew was I couldn’t lose my baby.  Kate talked things through with me; she told me that if I were her daughter, she would advise me to give up now.  I will always be grateful to Kate for taking the time to help me make my decision.  I gave up work, and it was the best thing I could have done.

The time went on quite quickly once I passed 25 weeks, it was all new to me and I experienced things I never had the chance to experience with John and Robert.  I felt much more able to buy things for my baby.  We couldn’t buy the cot or the pram, but we did order the pram ready for the arrival. 

I had regular check ups and scans, everything looked really good.  I was told that if I hadn’t shown any signs of having my baby by my due date I would have to be induced. I had increased fluid around my baby which worried me for quite a long time.  Every time I went for a scan they said about the fluid.  I was told that the baby might not be swallowing properly, or I could be slightly diabetic.  I had a blood test and that was okay, I was not diabetic.  The scans seemed to indicate that my baby was swallowing, and all seemed fine.  Even so, I still worried and panicked at every check up.  I couldn’t accept that it was just increased fluid.  I had to keep asking the hospital to double check everything was okay with my baby’s stomach and bladder.  I was told that if there was something wrong the baby’s stomach would be really swollen, but I still worried about it, and could not settle until my baby was safe with my, in my arms.

At last I reached the final few weeks after many trips to the Antenatal Ward when I had not felt any movement, or to be checked over when I hadn’t felt right in myself.  This was finally going to happen. I was so nervous, but also excited.  I knew I still had a long way to go, but as Kate had kindly reminded me “Ellie had been born a few weeks early and she’s a happy healthy little girl”.

My case was packed and waiting, but there was no sign of my baby.  I had a check up at 39.5 weeks and my baby was engaged!  I had a week to go until they would decide whether to induce me.

One week later I went back again and was told to come in the following afternoon to be induced.  I was very nervous once the decision had been made.  Still, I hoped something would happen naturally, but unfortunately it did not so John and I set off to the hospital at 6pm.  I remember sitting in the waiting area crying, I was so scared.

Once they started my induction I knew that my baby was soon to arrive.  I was so emotional – excited, scared and so worried that things could still go wrong.  John went home and I was told to get some sleep.  I tossed and turned all night but I could not relax.  I wanted John to come back as I hated being alone.

The next morning at 6am I was examined and told that I would go down to the delivery suite as soon as a bed became free.  I phoned John and told him to come in, as I did not want to go down on my own. 

I was soon on my way downstairs, and suddenly it all felt so real, my baby was soon going to be here with us.  They broke my waters, which caused a problem, my baby suddenly decided to turn around; and I was told that the only way to deliver was to have a caesarean.  I didn’t know whether to feel relieved it was going to be over soon, or cheated out of my labour.  Everything seemed to happen so quickly I didn’t have time to worry about it.  The Midwife phoned John to hurry him up; they told him I was getting upset because they did not want to worry him.  Once he arrived they told him everything and he prepared himself to come to theatre with me.  Waiting until they were ready for me was hard; I was nervous and my whole body was shaking. 

The Midwife came back and decided to do another scan before we went to theatre.  The scan showed that my baby had turned around again so it was back to the original plan of a natural birth.  I was put on a drip to start my contractions; they soon started coming fast and were getting very painful.  I think that because I was so worried I probably didn’t help myself to cope with it that well.  Hours passed and things go too much for me and I had to have an injection of pethodine for the pain.  I always said I wouldn’t have anything because I didn’t want anything to upset my baby.  The evening came and still no sign of my baby.  I was so tired and still in a lot of pain as the pethodine did not have that much affect.  I was examined again and was told that it would be at least another three hours, maybe being so tense wasn’t helping me.  I had an epidural as I couldn’t cope with it any more.

When the Midwife became worried about my baby’s oxygen levels I felt sick.  I knew it was all going to end, history was repeating itself.  They took a sample of my baby’s blood to test the levels of oxygen in it, the result was okay, but they decided to take me down for a caesarean just to be safe.

Before I knew it my baby was born, a tiny baby boy.  The Midwife took him to be cleaned up and check he was all right.  I panicked because I could not hear him crying, and I couldn’t seem him, was he okay?  No one said anything to me. Then John came over to me holding our baby boy.  It was the most beautiful moment in my life, our baby boy safe and sound, and weighing a healthy 7lb 14oz. 

I lay there for a while, Benjamin just looked at everything, he was so alert, taking it all in. 

So here we are, after all we’ve been through during the past few years, we are now a family, John and I with our darling baby boy Benjamin Gregory.