‘My heart began to sink, the consultant switched off the machine and then it was confirmed…’
I just want to start by saying that I find it so difficult to put into words such a heart-breaking experience, as I can’t find the words to express how sad losing our child was, as I am sure most of you reading this will know. Over a year on and I still cry most days and not a day goes by when I don’t think about what our daughter might have looked like, or what she would be doing and saying.
In October 2010, my husband Pete and I were lucky enough to fall pregnant with our second child and even though I am a Type 1 diabetic I went through the pregnancy with no other complications. Also, we already have a beautiful 5 year old little girl, Isabelle.
On the eve of Sunday 19th June 2011, we went to Poole Hospital to get ready for a routine C – section the following morning. My Husband had to take Isabelle home to bed, so after saying goodbye to a very excited daughter and husband, I settled down ready for the night. A midwife came to check on me and to explain the routine for the following morning. She asked how I was and if I’d felt movement. After feeling anxious the whole day, I did ask the midwife to put me on a monitor as hadn’t felt much movement, well actually none at all on that day, but didn’t think anything of it. The midwife went to get a monitor and placed it on my tummy…then…nothing. I saw a look of slight panic on her face and I started to cry. Although she tried to reassure me and asked her colleague to come over and have another go, there was still no sound of that lovely baby’s heartbeat. The midwives walked me to a side room (which I now know was the SPRING suite), where a consultant was waiting with a scan machine. I was still holding out some hope that my baby was hiding, or being awkward, but on the other hand I had a very, very bad feeling. The consultant scanned me, which at the time felt like hours, and I remember just looking at the worried look on everyone’s face. Then my heart began to sink, the consultant switched off the machine and then it was confirmed, “I am sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat” he said.
I screamed, I shouted, I cried and was also sick. What has happened? Why me? What have I done? So many questions ran through my head, and I went into shock and complete disbelief. Then the realisation came that I had to tell my husband and daughter. It was the worst feeling in the world as I felt like I had let so many people down. Without giving my husband any details, the midwife called him and asked him to come back to the hospital. When he arrived he walked into the room with a smile on his face as he thought I had gone into labour, and then I had to break the news to him. It was devastating.
After a night of decision making and sadness we still decided to go ahead with the c-section the following day. Going through a natural labour knowing I wouldn’t be holding my live baby at the end of it would be even harder.
When Mollie was delivered, the room was so quiet as there was no hustle and bustle of excitement or people talking and most importantly no baby crying. We decided to have Mollie cleaned up before we held her, so when we were ready the midwife brought her to us. What a sad, sickening moment, holding your baby knowing she will never experience the world, cry, walk, talk, go to school or enjoy life. However, we also felt so proud to have another beautiful daughter who also made us smile.
All of our immediate family had a cuddle with Mollie and as there was instant love for her, she felt part of the family straight away. The SPRING suite was our home for the next few days so our family and close friends were able to visit us and also meet and cuddle Mollie.
The next few days were a blur really, and so many decisions had to be made. Without the support of SPRING and of course, our family and friends, we would not have got through such a sad time.
In September 2011, the post mortem results came back saying the placenta had stopped working maybe a few days before I was due to give birth. Although there was nothing I could have done differently or to prevent this from happening, there is still that guilty feeling.
In April 2012, my husband Pete, some family and friends made up Team Mollie and ran the Bournemouth 10K run in memory of Mollie to raise money for the SPRING charity, together with ‘Team Daisy’. It was a lovely day in memory of two beautiful babies.
It’s now September 2012, and we are ever so lucky to have a new addition to the family. Stanley Lucas Mitchell was born on 6 June 2012 and he is an absolute delight. Although we will always love and be so proud of our beautiful Mollie and will never ever forget her, Stanley has helped us move on from such a sad time in our lives.